I’ve had a headache since about Tuesday. I’ve been fighting it off with a combination of lots of water, lots of caffeine, and occasional Aleve. I’ve also been fighting the overwhelming desire to stay in bed each morning. It’s the only time my head doesn’t hurt. But knowing myself, I know this is a stress headache. Thus, staying in bed is not the answer. The stress would only build as the to-do list remained undone. The headache, then, would get worse. Today it’s especially bad I think because we’ve received a few inches of snow. (It is soooo bright outside, from every angle.)
The same thing is happening to me now as in the fall. Time is passing, I am fretting. Except now instead of fretting with the fleeting hope that *just maybe* I can pull of a specific graduation date, my frets are more grounded. Quieter and less urgent, but more solidly rooted. Like a voice that whispers “You didn’t make it in the fall. you won’t make it this semester, either.” (And if I’m feeling particularly urgent about it, “And the summer is nearly impossible. So you’re really looking at next December.”)
I’m also a tad bit worried about what I’m going to do when I reenter full-speed-ahead dissertation [re]writing mode, and still have my class to take care of. But I’ll figure it out. I’m more worried about my sanity than my ability to actually get everything done. Those people are counting on me to facilitate their learning; they deserve a high priority in my life and they will get it. (It’s just that, everything in my life seems to be high priority at the moment. The low priority things have dropped right off the map.)
I’ve been kicking this around in my mind for a while: my advisor is a lot like me (or I am a lot like him). I get the feeling that he takes on a bit too much and then tries to prioritize everything highly. It’s so hard to sustain a life like that…but he does…and so do I. But a casualty of this lifestyle is that time just slips through my fingers. I feel like I blink and a month has gone by. Things slide down the list and it’s not because I don’t prioritize them. It’s because everything on my list is high priority, and everything takes time. I sometimes need to look at a calendar and remind myself what’s coming up, when, and how long I have until I really have to deal with it. Knowing that my advisor seems to be like me in this way, I develop additional anxiety when the ball (dissertation) is in his court for a long while. I know it’s a priority to him but I also know he has about 20 high priority items and all of them are ‘number 1′ on his list. And I know (well I believe) the same thing happens to him with the calendar. It’s been 3 weeks since I sent back my draft to him, for example.
Once he gets it back to ME, I need to tackle the bulk of the changes. Then it will need to be really read by him, and then more by me, then re-read by him again at least once more before it goes back to committee. Given that the new preliminary approval deadline is April 12 (and I don’t want to push it like we did in the fall), the goal is to have that final draft in the committee’s hands by beginning of March. It’s going to be February next week…and the rewrite is still in the ‘outline’ stage. Wonder why I have a headache.
I used up all of my vacation time (literally every last hour of the year) working on my dissertation in the fall, so I’ll have to complete this rewrite on evenings and weekends, along with my class work (I have to do all their readings, since I have not read them either, provide guidance and feedback, grade, and develop class activities for each week). This could easily be a great deal more difficult than things were in the fall. I’m also giving two talks about my dissertation research in the coming month….that’s minor in comparison to everything else though.
I talked to my advisor on Wednesday. He said he will have it to me before this weekend. So I hope to receive it today. And that’s where I’m at.
*Update* – I have the changes from him as of about noon today. Let the carpel tunnel resume after work!!
Weekends are full of toil when you’re waiting (for the second weekend in a row) for dissertation advise to sail its way back to your inbox. Relaxation’s futile, since with something like that hanging over my head (while time ticks away) I really cannot relax. Twitch twitch twitch.
So on my weekend, I just meandered around and did stuff. Like, I tried the baking soda/orange juice mask that has been all over Pinterest. (It was OK. Nothing spectacular happened.)
I also made more frozen burritos. Mr. N eats these for lunch.
My recipe for the burritos is: shredded chicken (from the crockpot–I make a pile and freeze it), enchilada sauce, refried beans, cheese, and salsa. Mash all that together, put it in tortillas, wrap the tortillas in saran wrap and aluminum foil, and you’re done. I got the idea from Pinterest; this is the third or fourth time I’ve made a batch. Mr. N likes the burritos at the gas station across from his work, and these are similar to those (but I hope a bit healthier).
While waiting for the burrito goop to warm up, I put up the new magnetic picture frames I bought from Adorama for the side of our fridge. Difficult to tell, but their finish is oil rubbed bronze (which matches our kitchen knobs, etc…I know I owe you guys the kitchen post too).
It seems that the stock photo stylist for these frames has a penchant for women’s hips. Three photos of that. Ok. (I will put my own photos in them soon, really, and they won’t be of thighs.)
I also went outside and did some shoveling. We received some snow on Thursday, but I had not yet shoveled it because it was so damn cold (well below zero). On Saturday it was above zero, so out I went. I wanted to get it shoveled because I knew we were expecting more snow with warmer temps. When snow falls at cold temps, it is light and fluffy and easy to shovel. When it gets warmer and snows more, all the snow gets heavy and hard. So, out I went!
“Hi.”
And there was plenty of the three Rs: Reading, Research, and Riding.
I also enjoyed nutritious meals, which mostly looked similar to this.
(Tip: adding Reeses Pieces to those low fat jello puddings really boosts the flavor.)
And, I organized our bathroom closet. We have one of those narrow, deep little closets (you can see it here). It’s well over 2′ deep, but is only 14″ wide…so naturally, it becomes a black hole of expired or given-up-on products. (You’re also only seeing 2 of the three shelves (and there is another 3 feet of open space below these shelves.)
My favorite is how I tacked my glasses case to the wall under the shelf. It is so nice to have this little ‘shelf’ for my glasses! I use them every day: why should I reach waaay back in to the back of the closet for them? This keeps them close and out of the way.
(Before, left; After, right.)
I was inspired by a blog post about throwing away 50 things. Sadly, I cannot find the link, but essentially this gal just picked one little spot in her house–a junk drawer–and went through it. Most of the stuff was crap; she was left with useful, organized things. In my case, I probably threw away closer to 100 things. I also relocated stuff we don’t use often (like all of the bottles that are in the back of the lower shelf), and put things we use more toward the front (so we will quit knocking the stuff in the front over with our sleeves as we try to contort our bodies enough to reach in to the depths of the closet).
If you looked at the link to the bathroom above this picture, you would see that we have no counter-tops, drawers, or medicine cabinet in our bathroom. (Pedestal sinks look quaint but they are NOT practical for your master bath!!) This and an above-toilet cabinet I bought at walmart years ago are it. As a result, I store my products in caboodle-type pencil cases from the Back To School section. The green one is hair supplies, the pink one is nail polish, the blue one is makeup. Then my earrings are in a large fishing-tackle box I bought at Home of Economy. They’re like ‘portable drawers’ for my stuff. hah.
I also want to point out that my husband does not like the lazy susan in the closet. I think it’s wonderful for such a silly deep closet, but when he turns it the bottles tip over. After he requested several times, I finally moved the things (like the toothbrush and toothpaste) off of it. So keep that in mind if you’re enamored by this and you have a man in your home (or if you just like to spin things with a lot of force, hehe).
I painted my nails too. And since that relaxation-guilt is too strong, I spent the nail-drying time doing research and making inter-library loan requests.
Did the laundry too.
Please tell me I’m not the only person with a laundry room that will *definitely* not be popping up on Pinterest? The fact that this picture is so dark makes the room look a lot nicer than reality. Hah.
Made some sandwiches. Yum.
I had to re-order our 2010-2011 photo album (which I will write about soon in more detail) because I stupidly ordered it without showing it to Mr. N first. As soon as he opened it, he found a damn typo on the first page.
After trying to color it out with black marker, I decided it bothered me too much and re-ordered it. I had to pay $65 for my error, but that’s a deep discount over what I paid for the first book. (I contacted Shutterfly to see if I had any options, since it was my own error, and the option they gave me was a sizable percentage off – I’ll take it!) Since I was re-ordering it anyway, I went through the whole book again and made a few minor changes to some other things that bugged me a bit.
And since it snowed some more, I shoveled some more.
And that was my weekend, pretty much. How was yours?
Ok! So apparently, people do comment on my posts. I was feeling a bit unloved because I had received zero comments on my last two posts. Actually I had received several comments, but for some reason am not receiving the email notifications. So I just thought everyone was hating and turning up their noses.
Additionally, it is very, very cold here. I feel like everyone’s in a pissing contest about the weather lately. My Seattle friends are all “it’s so cold and it’s SNOWING!” and my Portland friends are all “you think you have snow? it’s COLDER here…” and I’m sitting here in North Dakota, and it’s 20 degrees below zero, with a -45 wind-chill, AND snowing. And those west coast cities are shut down. Me, I worked all day and then taught class and drove home on glare ice in the driving wind. I couldn’t feel my legs by the time I got home, and that’s even after I warmed up my car–remotely–for 15 minutes before briskly shuffling quickly to it in my giant shin-length puffer jacket. And I could laugh and say those west coasters are babies, but what’s the point? Extreme weather is different depending on where you live. We can turn it around and point out that in that part of the country, the cities are not equipped for widespread snow removal and road sanding. Additionally, the citizens aren’t used to driving in it.
The best part is, one of my online students lives in a place that’s much colder and has worse conditions than it is in ND. So it’s not like I win at Being Tough In Weather, either.
There is one thing I really love about this bitter, bitter cold. It’s so very peaceful. Everything is crisp and dry, and it’s extremely sunny. (This very cold weather usually only happens due to clear, cloudless skies.) The sun dogs are beautiful too. I wish I had my camera earlier; I saw an amazing one.
Oh, and, I’m pretty sure this is my life right now, if you were wondering how I’m doing.
Also, I bought a nice expensive gallon of that Upper Eastside paint I chose for the kitchen, went home, put some on the wall, and it was CLEARLY purple/pink toned. *barf* Before anyone says I should have bought the sample jar, I will simply tell you that I am not impressed with our Lowes’ store’s ability to make two cans of paint even close to the same color. Honestly, when the kid at the store mixed the last couple of sample jars I bought, he just squirted the pigments in to the jars and stood there, shaking them manually, for about 30 seconds each. Pretty sure they have a machine for that. But alllrighty. The last two rooms I painted, the sample jars were notably different (not just slightly) from the comparable gallons I bought. So I went all in and bought the whole gallon of Upper Eastside, and it sucked. At least Valspar has a rebate going on right now. I’ll get $5 of my 35 wasted dollars back in the mail, eventually.
New color was chosen: Valspar Cincinattian Hotel Hannaford, 3007-10C. It’s a National Trust for Historic Preservation color. I picked it by a highly scientific method: I brought my paint swatches of Upper Eastside and Churchhill Hotel Wheat (the living room color) to the store with me, and picked on that was less yellow than Wheat and less purple than Eastside.
New color is perfect. Will post that soon. Painting kitchens are a huge pain in the ass, by the way. Huge. Especially kitchens with 9 foot ceilings. And even more especially when you may inexplicably have the largest consumer fridge money can buy. (I can now say I have sat on top of my fridge. Probably not covered under warranty for usage.)
That’s all I’ve got at the moment. More soon, I hope. Like I said a few weeks ago, this is going to be one hell of a semester. OH! I’ve lost 6 lbs since Christmas though. That’s pretty great.
What’s up with you?
Just a question – what happens to all that cute stuff people are always pinning–specifically the stuff that is intended to be a gift for your husband? I mean paper crafts and things of that nature. People who pin these things usually put a comment under it like “He’ll LOVE this!” or “I’m SO doing this for our anniversary.” And I think that’s really cool. But what happens to the item a week later? A month later?
Is it still sitting on the corner of your dining room table, kitchen countertop, or coffee table? What does the husband DO with this item? Is he going to hang up the mushy “subway art” that lists all the reasons you love him in his office at work? Or what? What is your expectation?
I don’t often make that stuff because my expectation is that while my husband would think it was cute/nice/touching, he probably wouldn’t do anything with it after the fact (and I wouldn’t expect him to). I’m making the assumption here that while a lot of women have treasure boxes, drawers or other keepsake collections, guys don’t. Even if I get my husband a nice card and spend a long time writing something touching in it, that card is going to be sitting on the edge of our kitchen counter 3 weeks later, waiting for me to put it somewhere. He’ll read it. He’ll enjoy it. But he isn’t going to squirrel it away for re-reading…nor is he going to display it on his wall or desk or wherever men might display such things. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, but I’m being practical. What is he going to DO WITH IT?
For the sake of my clutter-hating mindset, I try to avoid crafts like these because even as I make them, I wonder what their final resting place will be. Children’s crafts will be different of course (when the time comes). But I’m not 5 years old… so I haven’t a need to have my artwork/crafts taped up in my husband’s office or magneted to our fridge.
If you make things for your spouse, what does he do with them?
But first, I want to address everyone’s suggestions.
Grey (1 vote) (well, 2 actually, if you count Mr. N’s!)
I held up the swatches I still had from the office painting project, and I simply was not wowed.
Tile the Backsplash (2 votes)
I agree, it would look really nice. I haven’t totally ruled that out, but I don’t know if I want to do it myself and I have no idea what color tile I’d use (something light, for sure). The kitchen is so many colors already, I’d definitely want to go neutral. Maybe a mosaic tan combo? But, it’s just not going to happen right now. Also, would it look cheap to have tile on my walls but linoleum on my floor? Not sure. I am fine with my floor, not planning to replace it…so I don’t want to make it look like I upgraded everything but the floor (that floor is the only linoleum in the whole house; I wonder why they laid it, honestly. What was there before? We may never know).
Pinky-beige/light coral (2 votes)
I think this would look really nice, but I do live with a man who probably does not want a pink kitchen. ;) Also am worried about ‘rainbow syndrome’–a pinkish color butted up against teal and green seems very ‘florida funky’ to me. Nice, but not for us in our house.
Bronze or yellow (2 votes)
Don’t like yellow. As far as colors go, these are probably very fitting for this space. But I’m not gotta do it, neener neener neener.
White or cream (3 votes)
The problems with white: our doorframes and ceiling are not white. They’re offwhite. Painting a room white means our ceilings look dirty. I could certainly paint the room the same color as the ceilings, but I fear making the appliances look yellowed (since they are ivory/cream-colored). I am concerned about the room being too dark though, so I did get some cream colored swatches. I held them up against the appliances. Was not impressed.
Pale green/blue/teal (4 votes)
I was at first on board with this, but then reminded myself of a very important experiment I did a year or so ago (yes, I’ve been pondering the paint for this room for a long time). I work in an old building and they offered to paint my office last year. The wood trim and my desk in my office are similar in color to the cabinets in our kitchen. I picked a perfect pale green/light teal that is the lighter shade of the Eucalyptus color that is in our dining room. Do not like, at all. It sounded good in theory, but is NOT my thing in practice. I like it less than I like the grey with the red. Just clash-o-rama.
Tan (9 votes)
It’s nice when people vote for what you want, isn’t it? Haha. Actually, I painted a bit of the tan color from our living room (Churchhill Hotel Wheat) on one of the walls in the kitchen and it seemed really.. off. I remembered that one of you told me a tan with grey undertones would be better than a tan with yellow undertones. The Wheat color is definitely yellowish. With our countertops, appliances, floor, fixtures, and cabinets all being different tones, I really did not want to bring more colors in to the room. So, I got some swatches and laid them out on the counter. I picked:
Valspar Upper Eastside (ar217)
(I was going to link to the swatch online but it looks nothing like real life, so I’ll skip it.)
It is a light tan with grey undertones. I hope it will look nice. I bought the paint today…depending on how my weekend goes, I might even paint it this weekend!
(With photos, of course.)
Here’s what happened. First off, I was sorta bummed. I think I’m over that now. I feel much more positive, much less ‘and-the-horse-you-rode-in-on.’ And then…
December 19: My grandma–she of the swan dish–passed away. She was nearly 94 years old and lived independently in her home, without help, until earlier this year. Things went downhill from there, and well, she just got very frail very quickly. A fast decline is what she’d have wanted though; she never wanted to be in a nursing home (though she did spend a couple of months in one prior to her passing). Her services were planned for right after Christmas.
December 21: We hosted my book club’s holiday party. I believe there were 11 adults, plus 7 or 8 young kids in our little house. (Tip: if you have a laundry chute, show it to the kids. Hours of entertainment.) Instead of going all Betty Crocker like I did for our get-together last year, the main course was Papa John’s pizza, coupled with some quickly-stirred-together dip and a few easy desserts. Everyone was satisfied and I was much less stressed. Win! (I took NO pictures. Go me.)
December 23: We had our Christmas at home (us and the cats).
Notice our long-trunked tree?
This worked *really* well at keeping Rusty out of the branches. Between the bells and my leaving the bottom 2.5 feet of branches off the (fake) tree, he mostly left the tree alone, unlike last year. And it wasn’t even *quite* as ugly as I had thought it would be. Especially after my mom suggested I wrap a ribbon around it.
Rusty and Cleo received toys called Pawbreakers. They are compressed balls of catnip.
Rusty opened his with vigor!
December 24: We had Christmas with part of Mr. N’s family.
We ate stuffed pork chops and a ton of other amazing food, YUM.
December 25: We had Christmas with another part of Mr. N’s family, then left from their home and drove up to Winnipeg.
(There was no snow here on Christmas. Just brown.)
December 26: We woke up very early and caught a flight to Ottawa, Ontario. My dad drove several hours to pick us up, then we drove to my grandma’s home city in central NY. We changed our clothes and attended the wake, then stayed at a hotel to attend the mass and burial the following day.
December 27: We attended the mass and burial, then drove several hours back to my parents’ home.
They had snow there, at least!
December 28-30: We had Christmas with my parents and chilled out for a few days.
I sorted and put a bunch of my grandma’s old photos (from the 1940s, 50s, and 60s) in to an album for my mom.
My dad and I made a baked brie with caramelized onions, wrapped in puff pastry. HIGHLY recommend.
Our last day there was foggy in a really pretty way.
December 31: They drove us several hours back to Ottawa, we had dinner, and said goodbye. We fell asleep at about 9:30 PM because we had to get up at 4 for our flight.
January 1: We flew back to Winnipeg, landing at 8:15 AM, where we were greeted by 45 mph winds and blowing snow.
This was cool–our view as we drove in to the snow…
We arrived home before noon.
And THAT is how we spent our holidays. A lot of good mixed with some sadness, some travel and some home time, and finally, a bit of snow. How’d you spend yours?
This is our kitchen (in an old picture from last year).
There are a few things to know:
1. The appliances are ivory- (off-white) colored.
2. That floor is linoleum and the countertop is laminate/formica/whatever.
3. The cabinets are cherry-colored (a bit redder than shows in the picture).
4. The overhead light is a large stained glass fixture that matches the small one over the sink. (Yellow/red/green mostly.)
None of that is going to change.
Additionally:
2. The window coverings have been replaced with roman bamboo shades (like these).
3. The cabinet knobs have been replaced with oil-rubbed bronze ones.
Bordering rooms:
1. Our dining room is medium teal; you look straight in to it from the kitchen, and vice versa. (You can see it here, scroll to the last image.)
2. Our hallway is medium green. It also meets the kitchen but not as noticably as the dining room. (See it here.)
Now, let’s talk paint. It is currently unpainted. Meaning, when they redid this kitchen in 2005, they put up new walls and such but apparently did not paint them–or painted them some awful color I’m going to call dirty-builder-offwhite. Please keep in mind that while it looks pretty good in the photo, it does not look nearly so nice in person.
In addition to the area around the backsplash shown here, there is also about 18 inches of space to be painted above the cabinets, plus a full length wall and doorway, sort of seen here.
Mr. N’s top choice would be to paint it grey, like my office. But I didn’t really think the grey complemented the red tones of the trim in that room. I’m worried about it looking pinkish in here, or just clashing with the cabinets. Thoughts on grey?
My top choice is the ‘boring’ one, to paint it the same tan that the rest of the neutrals in the house are painted. That tan is shown here (the first photo in that post). Thoughts on tan?
I need help. What color would you paint this kitchen? (Before anyone insists, I am not painting the cabinets. I’m just not.)
–Grey like our office
–Tan like our living room
–Another color
Please tell me in the comments.
I had a really nice meeting with my advisor on Friday. A positive one, at least! Not that we don’t always have positive meetings, but this one did re-motivate me for spring. God, you guys, I had myself worked up in such a knot. Here are some factors that had me feeling that way.
- The first week back at work after my week in the east was sooooooo busy.
- The semester starts Monday and that is always a very busy couple of weeks for me, my advisor, and pretty much everyone else in any higher ed setting.
- This semester is curiously short-looking, when I peep at the calendar. The number of weeks is the same (I counted, to make sure), but it seems like everything is happening sooner this term. Spring break seems like it’s a week earlier, for example.
So all this stuff and more had me up all night worrying. My consensus to myself was “I’m not going to graduate in May. It’s practically April 12 (the spring preliminary approval deadline) already!!”
On Friday I had to meet with my advisor for an unrelated reason, and I decided to bring it up. I rattled up all the stuff I just listed to you guys (I tend to ‘rattle off’ a lot when I’m faced with him because I usually have a lot to say), and he ended my sentence with “And it’ll be February before we know it.”
YES. EXACTLY! And with me wanting to give my committee ample time to review my paper and suggest revisions if they see fit, I’d like to have it to them in early March if at all possible. So that’d be…a month (and a short one) to work on it? Plus, take in to account that–just like in the fall–it needs to be volleyed back and forth between me and my advisor, each of us taking several days to reread, revise, suggest, edit, etc. And we’re giving it a nice hefty overhaul–it isn’t as though this paper is almost done. I had also convinced myself that he was thinking we would ‘take our time’ this year (in other words, he didn’t necessarily have a ‘May’ date in mind). (I had interpreted through several emails of his that we had a TON of work left to do and it was going to take us a damn long time to do it. I could not find a solid “May is a good goal,” anywhere. In retrospect, it’s probably because he didn’t want me to go batshit like I did in the fall, trying to make the December dates!!) With all this running through my head, my muscles were tight from head to toe and I wasn’t sleeping a wink… And the semester hasn’t even STARTED yet.
What a great begin to my “this will be a balanced, optimistic year,” internal proclamations.
But we met and it was a good meeting. We talked through the process of the changes, what needs to be changed and how long each part will probably take. He made some estimates and I made some clarifications and he told me he did think we would be done in time for May deadlines–and without pushing the bleeding edge of the deadline like we were doing in the fall. I really, really needed to hear it. (I have absolutely no reason to believe he was leading me on by telling me this, but I just wanted to say: if he happens to stretching the truth of that, he’s damn smart to do it because deadlines like that are the motivation I require to keep my ass in gear.)
As I left, I reminded him that he has the revisions in “his” court (he has had it since before Christmas; we both took a bit of a break but I didn’t want that thing hanging over MY head!) and it would be super extra great if he’d take a look at it at his earliest convenience. I figured I’d be very lucky to have it by the end of this coming week, since it’s the first week of classes and all. “Besides,” I joked. “I’m too busy prepping for my class. If you send it to me tomorrow, I’ll smack my forehead and cuss.” It wasn’t 3 hours later that he sent the thing to me, with subject “Tag, you’re it,” and a comment like “You didn’t want it tomorrow, so I sent it today!”
My move.
And did you catch that? I’m teaching a class. See, in the fall, I felt awfully under-booked, with just working my job all day and working on my dissertation all night and all through the weekends. I needed something to DO, ya know? Heh. So I’m teaching a class. Which is pretty much like taking a class, except it’s exponentially more work (since you have to pay attention to each student’s progress and evaluate their assignments).
In all seriousness, this is going to be a whole ‘nuther level of time management for me. (Now with more caffeine and even less sleep!) You guys remember this, right? This spring will be like that, plus teaching a class! Wooooooo.
I really really wanted the opportunity to teach though. Since I’m not a GRA/GTA due to my other employment, I have rarely had an opportunity to teach. When this one arose, I wanted it. Had I graduated in December, I’d be teaching it alone. When I didn’t graduate, I said I still wanted to teach it. I still can, except that I teach it under supervision of my advisor. (Teaching the class free and clear would require a doctorate.) I do get a lot of freedom to make the class my own though. I’m excited!
It’s going to be a really fun, interesting, and (again) very draining semester. I’m going to need that ‘balance’ and ‘optimism’ to pull me through. I’m still worked up in a knot, but at least it’s a “I have a lot to accomplish!” knot, as opposed to a “the world is closing in on me and I’ll never ever finish!” knot. Right?!
Now I’d better get back to my revisions. I spent the entire day working on class prep, but since my advisor gave me the opportunity, I want to turn those revisions around this weekend too. No rest for the wicked.
Anyone else having a horrifically busy first week of the new year? I was thinking to myself, “no wonder people tend to fail at New Years Resolutions right off the bat.” Because who has time for them? Work is busy, home is busy, school is busy, and I have a new opportunity I’m pursuing (more work! I’m nuts!) which also has me feeling like my hair is on fire. I really meant to post a great post this week with tons of photos from our Christmas festivities, but it’s going to have to wait. If you’re as busy as I am, you don’t have time to read it right now anyway!
Do you ever feel one way, but act another? Of course you do. We all do. For me, in this instance, I am referring to my doctoral work. It’s no secret that I wanted to graduate in December…I told everybody. It was really important to me to get it done. Just get it done. Unfortunately, this and other similar sentiments of mine may lead others to believe that finishing it is all I care about.
In fact, I care much more. I care about the knowledge, experience, and expertise I have gained (and will continue to gain). I also care about the opportunity to work closely with–and have my work judged by–men and women who are experts in their fields. It’s pretty humbling and a great experience. That’s what is really important. Getting done is important because it’s obviously a goal and I want to achieve it. Plus, in case you haven’t noticed, achieving this goal eats up an unbelievable amount of my time and causes me much stress. Who wouldn’t want to move such an activity from their “in progress” column over to “completed?” Still, this degree and associated work is much more than an annoyance and time-sink.
And it never really ends. After I graduate, there will be papers to write and more research to do. But it is a milestone and I want to get to reach it. Simply conveying my desire to reach this milestone–does that make the work that goes in to achieving the milestone seem less important? I believe the work is very important. But I don’t skip around humming about how great it is to spend my weekends and evenings researching and typing, because it flat out sucks a lot of the time. I’m learning and changing and evolving and gaining expertise and that is wonderful, but it also really sucks. Yet if I tell people it sucks and I just want to be done, suddenly this can be construed to mean I find no value in what I’m doing. Nothing could be further from the truth. (If I found no value, I would quit. Do you see me quitting? Nope.)
My final thought on this matter is that there are layers. My inner motivations and deep thinking are generally kept to myself. This is where I mull over the weight of my thoughts and actions, consider what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed, and really internalize the importance of what I am doing. This part of myself is probably the healthiest, best-balanced part. My outer expression (what I have started thinking of as my ‘shallow’ layer) is more often displayed to others. This is the impatient, stressed out, frustrated, cynical me who frequently mouths off about how tired she is, how dejected, how stressed, how put-upon.
Tell me though, how does one display their more balanced, but less easily-articulated self to others? I’ve seen a few twitter and facebook discussions lamenting friends who post too much negative, trivial stuff on their statuses. (“Starbucks out of Skim Milk! FML!”) I’ve seen more of the same relating to people who post overwhelmingly positive stuff. (“My brand new laptop! Yay!” then the next day “My brand new car! Yay!” then the next day “I got a huge raise at work! Yay!”) Not that this is about social media, it’s not. But sometimes life is good, sometimes it’s bad, and when telling people about it (online or face-to-face) we may not often enough consider how our news and attitude affects them or what kind of picture it paints of us. I fear I’ve been painting a picture of a girl who is shallow, petty, and a bit ungrateful…I’ll work on it. But I still want to remain true to myself regarding sharing how I actually feel–not the “Big Picture, How I Should Feel And Will Reflect On Fondly In Future Years”. If you’re always sharing only the deep and philosophical parts of yourself, you come off as a hippy-dippy out-of-touch loon and nobody cares what you have to say, anyway (least of all, you).
I just wanted to get that off my mind while I was thinking about it. I’m off work today for the observed new year, but tomorrow I’ll be back at it. I was out of town last week for my grandmother’s funeral and to visit my family, so I have a few photos to share also.
Late-20s yuppie, professional techie, terminal student. I probably live farther north than you do. (