This dissertation… I’ve done a lot of work on it. In recent weeks, I’ve become more confident with stats and I put a considerable amount of time in to the results section. Then I emailed the draft to my advisor with a quick request: “Can you skim the results to see if I’m reporting them properly?”
What I received back was a fully read, fully digested document. He had made comments on everything. Change this, change that. Move this. Talk about this. Don’t talk about that. I didn’t ask for this depth of commenting (or any review of the rest of my paper at this point), but I really, really appreciate it. It saves me a ton of work in trying to figure out which things need refining. Much of it, I had planned to refine anyway (like I said, I only asked him to look at the results; I hadn’t really worked on the rest much in several months!). But some of it I would not have caught. So that’s great.
Some of the comments though… they were big. Things indicating that I may need to re-run my stats, consult with an expert on these matters, etc. See, my sample sizes don’t match. (An example of this would be if you did a survey and got responses from 2 women and 20 men.) This means the stats might not be reliable. My results are like this on a lot of different facets. (So as an example: I would have 2 women and 20 men. And among them, 5 have brown eyes but 17 have blue. And 1 is black but 21 are white.) Basically, I cannot (reliably) say that my stats necessarily say ANYTHING accurate about how these groups of people differ. (Actually, I don’t know what I can and can’t reliably say–that’s why I need to talk to an expert.) This is one example of the ‘Big Scary Comment.’ There were several Big Scary Comments in this thing. Several. Time-consuming, re-do all-my-hard-work comments. And the thing is, time is something I don’t have a ton of. If I want to feasably graduate in december, I need this whole paper out the door in less than 2 months.
This means many things, but one thing it means is that all of the hours and hours and hours of work I put in to doing the stats, organizing them, combing through them for significant results, and writing up those results may have been a waste. My advisor wasn’t harsh or anything; I know he’s right. And my doing this stuff now will save me from being eaten alive by the committee later.
After I read his comments, I was ready to chuck the computer right out the window. I had tears in my eyes, thinking of the wasted time. The effort. What I thought was a good job I was doing. What I thought I understood, but actually don’t understand very well.
It’s a massive blow to the ego. Like when I failed my comps. It makes me feel lost.
If there’s one thing I can say for my Ph.D.-related activities, they are challenging. I’ll be honest: not a lot challenges me. But this does, and I’m not used to it. I’ve been spoiled by the ability to usually rise to the occasion easily. My master’s wasn’t challenging for me; I passed with no revisions and very little issue at all. This… this is challenging. I have to try and fail. I have to do it again.
I am starting to realize that there really is nothing that can be done to instantly a ‘bad review’ (for lack of better words), except to take it in stride and make the changes happen. Maybe walk away for a little bit and do something to make myself feel better. (Chocolate, anyone?) But then I have to return and do it, even if I don’t want to, and even if I don’t know what steps to take first. Last I checked, dreading something did not cause it to magically get accomplished while I’m sleeping. I have to ‘get back on the horse.’ I can’t afford to spend days or weeks brooding over it, my bruised ego feeding me phrases like “It was really good already. I should NOT have to change it.” Maybe I shouldn’t have to change it, or maybe I should (in this case, I should), but regardless of the ‘shoulds’: I have to do the task at hand or I’m not going to graduate.
If I ignore it and sulk, it’ll still be there and I will have less time to fix it. So suck it up, buttercup. Delete, and redo it, this time, with feeling.
Or blogging. After I received and read through the commented version of my paper, I stomped around, huffed and puffed, cursed and swore, and then wrote this post. Writing about how I felt helped me come to terms with why I felt it. Yay! (Well, sorta yay. I still have to do all the work on the paper…)
Professional techie, terminal student. Blogging my way through a PhD in a field of education. I probably live farther north than you do. (
Why do you have to graduate in December?
I think that’d make a good post of its own actually.
My sister is a PhD student, and we aren’t TOO close. So when we talk, it’s hardly about her academics. Reading about your struggles as a PhD student helps me understand the struggles that she must face also, and I kinda feel like I’m a better sister because of that. So thank you. :-)
(And I’m glad that you got your frustrations out!)
My husband finally graduated with his PhD last year, and boy was it painful. (We both have master’s degrees too, but that was nothing in comparison.) He was making changes to his dissertation up to the day before the final version was due. (He decided he needed a completely new model and statistical analysis with two months to go.) Good news? He managed to get it done in time (barely!) and I am sure you will too. It’s amazing what you can do when you have to.
As a student I was one that would hide from revisions and would sometimes just dig myself a whole by not taking them from the start. If would say though that if you have access to an expert there is no shame in that as they are available to you for a reason.
That sounds SO frustrating. But you have such a good attitude about it, and it sounds like the comments will help make your dissertation that much stronger.
I’ve been in your shoes many times. I’ve been upset too many times when things like this have happened. Just this Monday, something big like this happened to me AGAIN and I was just like “oh well, whatever, it’s out of my control now”. I don’t let myself get so upset anymore.
This is what being a PhD student is all about!
Ugh, I’m sorry it’s happening! But yeah. Being upset doesn’t solve anything; if anything it just makes things worse. Sigh. Maturity.
It’s taken me a few days to get a chance to comment on this post, but I wanted to just express my support for you! You can do this, and make it work out! Better to get the oh shit comments now, then in say, late October, right? You can do it friend, just keep your nose to the grindstone (and chocolate) and keep pushing1
I totally get it about the bruised ego. I wrote a screenplay in college (screenwriting was my major), and my professor LOVED it. Absolutely loved it. I sent it over to my program director, and didn’t hear back for weeks. I finally sent an email asking if he’d had the chance to read it, and he fired and email back saying he couldn’t get past the first 10 pages. Ouch.
I think you’re handling it super well though–I know my first instinct was to never write again and eat pints of ben & jerry’s till I exploded. I wish you well on your revisions.