i can tell that she can’t let go and she can’t relax

Ohhhhh my god, what a week. I turned in the ‘final draft’ for preliminary approval to my committee yesterday.

But first, I had to get through the wait for my changes. Waiting is hard for me. (Is it easy for anyone?) I kept busy on the weekend, doing chores around the house, carving our pumpkin, exercising, and cooking meals. (I made these (and I recommend dipping them in BBQ sauce); I also shredded some chicken and made a bunch of frozen burritos for Mr. N to eat for lunches.) Then on Monday morning, I got up at 4 AM and drove to Winnipeg, MB (about 3 hours away) to meet my grandma and grandpa. They were traveling across Canada by train (retirement rocks!) and had a 4 hour layover in Winnipeg. I haven’t seen them since January, so it was totally worth it for me to get up super early in order to enjoy a nice breakfast with them. Here’s how early I was on the road: it was dark when I left the house, and it was still dark when I arrived and parked at the train station in Winnipeg. No beautiful sunrises for me to see during my drive!!

I arrived back home around 3:30 PM. I was pleased to see that my advisor had sent me the rest of my changes (he had told me he planned to finish his reading by Monday night). Unfortunately, I couldn’t work on these changes because of Halloween–had to hand out candy. About 150 trick-or-treaters showed up this year, and I’m confident that number would have been closer to 200-250 if we had bought more bags of candy…but god, I had so much candy already! My favorite kid-costume, by the way, was a boy who was dressed up as a whoopie cushion. I would look great as a whoopie cushion, I think.

So anyway, my changes!!

There were a lot (there usually are). My advisor may be a busy dude, but when he takes the time to read my drafts, he Takes The Time. There are always a TON of comments–it is clear that he really cares. (This ‘really caring’ might not bode well for me finishing ‘on time’–since some advisors just sort of skim it at this point and say ‘good enough’–but at least the paper will be really good.) I took two more vacation days from work–Tuesday and Wednesday–and I attacked those changes like they were made of chocolate (I loooove chocolate).

I ate, drank, slept changes. Type type type, that’s all I did all day Tuesday and Wednesday. I got up early and I worked late. I barely even ate–thank god for husbands who bring home takeout!

Thank god for my husband in particular. He set aside his own school work and responsibilities and read the whole paper, start to finish, 253 pages, on Wednesday night. I guess I should include Thursday morning, since neither he nor I went to bed until about 4:20 AM. Instead, we both drank Dr. Pepper and worked on the paper. He started at the beginning while I was still making revisions to the end. Then when I finished revising I started at the beginning again, following his comments and making changes he suggested. Mr. N has had copy-editing training, so that was very beneficial. He was also looking for holes in the logic of the paper, or problems with the flow. He found a lot of minor issues–again, very very helpful. I know I wouldn’t have noticed a lot of those issues, and I am embarrassed to think I might have handed in my paper without correcting them.

After a piddly 3 hours of sleep, we got up and went to work, and I emailed my completed paper to the committee. (I would have gladly printed it for them, but they all requested digital copies so YAY!)

(source)

I thought I would be relieved…but I wasn’t.

I was overwhelmed first with concern about their perceptions–what if they won’t read it because they are too busy? What if they say “no, it isn’t enough time”? What if they don’t believe I have time to make the revisions? (Aside from my advisor, most people are not aware of how quickly I can turn things around when properly motivated!!)

Then I was worried about the content of the paper–still am. I keep thinking there are all sorts of problems with it. I’m sure they’re going to read it and say “what is this, some kind of joke?” or “there is no logical sense to your argument.” I hope these fears are unfounded, but I still have them.

I talked to each committee member yesterday, and I am glad I did, because they all had different ideas of why they had been sent the paper and how the process would work from here. I realize now–after making several phone calls–that I made some procedural errors in handing in the paper. Another problem with being the first student in a new program. Sigh.

Turns out, my advisor was supposed to give it to them with his ‘blessing’ so to speak. Instead, I emailed it to them and a few of them weren’t really sure why they were receiving it. After learning this, I was really glad I had talked to them!! I clarified that it *IS* ready for preliminary approval–we just didn’t know my advisor was supposed to deliver it.

Additionally:

• one committee member thought their changes needed to be sent to the advisor, who would interpret everyone’s changes and then deliver my revision ‘assignment’ to me.
• one committee member was fine with sending me the changes and signing the form, but told me the advisor is supposed to sign the form first.
• one committee member expected me to make all of the revisions they might have so they can look over my changes BEFORE signing the form.
• two of them thought we were supposed to have a meeting prior to signing the form, while two did not.

SO YEAH.

Last night I went through the handbooks, guides, and forms again (there are several, gotta love university red tape) and I also called a few professors who I know have been committee chairs before. My goal was to clarify the process.

I found out that it is up to the advisor what happens with the committee’s changes–whether he wants to see the committee suggestions before I do, whether there should be a meeting at this stage, and so on. I doubt my advisor wants to weed through and interpret everyone’s changes, so that leaves us two other options: meet about it and discuss together with everyone (form would hopefully be signed at the end of this meeting–it would be much like my proposal meeting), or everyone sends their changes to me separately and I bring them the form to sign at their convenience.

I also found out that my department says the form can be signed prior to my making the changes, but other departments have other policies. The committee member who wanted me to make the changes before the form was signed was correct–for some departments–but it is not necessary in ours (unless this member personally is just not comfortable with signing it ’till I make them). Our department is more lenient in that they are supposed to sign the form if they feel they will be comfortable with the finality of the paper once you make your revisions. The requirement is that I make the changes prior to my defense–they sign the form in ‘good faith’ that I will do it. (Well, not entirely good faith, since if I didn’t make their changes, they simply wouldn’t pass me at my defense!!)

Here is the explanation:

“The committee offers suggestions for revisions of a mechanical nature (e.g., spelling, wording, referencing, organizing) and of a substantive nature (e.g., literature omissions, incorrect or inadequate interpretations, inappropriate procedures). The committee decides whether the dissertation is sufficiently well done to give you permission to process the dissertation in its final form– including the suggested revisions… After agreements have been made about changes that are expected, the “Preliminary Approval of Dissertation” form is signed by the committee to assure you that no major changes will be required in the final draft of the dissertation… When permission to prepare the final draft is granted, a date is set for the Final Examination [Defense] meeting.”

So that is that. This morning, I emailed my committee members to provide these clarifications and to ask if they thought we should meet. I also apologized for improperly delivering the dissertation (since I did it, when my advisor was ‘supposed to’).

Now I’m just going to go back to freaking out about how my paper is probably just a bunch of gibberish that makes no sense, was wrongly-interpreted, I did all my stats wrong, and they are all going to think it is a huge joke. Thankfully, I trust that my advisor would have told me it sucked if he thought it did. But I still have to worry, toil, and be down on myself about it because that’s my nature. My glass is TOTALLY half empty. [I wish it was full...of booze...]

OH AND BY THE WAY!! I’m also guest-posting on Geek In Heels today, about my beloved Lenny and the PC vs. Mac journey that me to its purchase!